Music, me, you, Race and Random Ramblings.

 I've always felt the most judgement in life isn't reserved for how much money you make.

 

How much you have given to charity

How nice you are

Your fashion

Your kicks

Your game

Your body

 

People reserve their ultimate judgement for your taste in music.

 

Music is the ultimate cool kid at a party. 
 

Tribes are formed along these lines. Factions built. And yes, even wars waged.

 

I'm OBSESSED by music. My mum was actually a professional singer in India, even played on the radio... Many of my early memories of life were filled with her singing to me. If you've heard her sing it's pretty heavenly... 

 

When you're at school people judge, jury and execute you for your taste in music. Me I was straight bullied. 

I was into Hip Hop, Gangster Rap. Even RnB. The challenger brand to grunge. 

At Sydney Boys high - I was in a very small vocal minoity of 2. Me and my homey Richard Michael.

 

Pac. Westside. Everywhere I walked in school people yelled out "Yo black homey G". I guess they thuoght I was pretending to be African American by dressing and listening to hip hop. I guess most people saw it as a bit of fun and didn't take it too seriously. 

Maybe I was misappropriating..

 

I dressed Hip Hop coz most kids in my neigbourhood did. Most of the "Honiez" in my hood went out with the "Gs" who dressed hip hop. My idol was Michael Jordan and the NBA and Hip-Hop were inseparable. Jam?

 

It was a time in the 90s where this was a new emerging fashion trend in Australia. Hip Hop wasn't pop yet. What I got repeated to me every day was "You're not black Vik!"

 

The voice in my head always replied "You're not white either Vik…." 

You are dirty, poor, smelly, brown.

 

You are not cool. You are a fukin curry. You're a curry muncher. 

Words that have been repeated to me over the years. Random people at a cricket game. People trying to start a fight with me. Friends in jest. 

I've repeated those same words in my head far more than anyone has uttered them to me my entire life. Words I'm ready to let go now. 

 

I grew up loving Michael Jackson. Ironically, not very popular to love the 'King of pop'. One of my proudest childhood moments was me saving 13 weeks of my $1 a week pocket money to buy the 'Bad' Cassette. I remember being $3 short at the Target counter with the teenage checkout attendant diligently counting every dollar. My dad threw in $3. He was my hero.

 

I remember anytime my parents left me home alone the first thing I’d do was grab that "Bad" cassette & our old ass ghetto stereo. You know the type. You used to hit the record and play buttons simultaneously as soon as a good song came on the radio. It had antennas you had to physically hold to get good reception. The cassete doors were wide open as the metallic plastic cover over the cassettes was broken off decades ago. 

I'd lie down on the ground and put my ear next to the speaker. Press Play. And turn the volume up to 10. 

 

The heartbeat at the beginning of 'smooth criminal' would  grab my soul... The scream Hii-hoo-WHOOO! Nothing made me feel more alive.

 

In year five at Summer Hill Public School I became part of a crew probably because I was so open about my love for music. Boyz II Men, Arrested Development and whatever the girl I liked was what I was into. We openly sang songs together every day at school and I loved it. 

 

My best mate Danny was a massive influence. Introducing me to Prince, 80s music and just shared my obsession for music. I felt I wasnt alone in having music as the driving force in my life. 

 

Getting to high school I realised my three favourite artists were the big three in pop. MJ, Prince and Madonna. Going to a boys school it wasn't very cool to like Madonna so I kept it to myself. But "The Imacculate Collection" Greatest Hits Compilation was one of my favourite albums. Funny now how I reflect that Madonna felt less manly than 'he's just sooo sensitive' MJ and 4 foot 8 "Blouses" Prince. 

 

Madonna ended up going out with Dennis Rodman a few years later who is my champion of presenting alternative views of masculinity which is what Top Blokes is all about. Thinkin back there was definitely a need to project like the stereotypical 'Arnie' or 'Rocky' male at a boys school. 

 

So I get to high school and the hate is real. It's vicious. I start getting into Nirvana, Pearl Jam, The Smashing Pumpkins, Stone Temple Pilots, Rage Against The Machine and Tool because that's what the cool kids were into. And the music was great so I embraced and still  love it today.

But I could never let go of my love for hip hop despite many people just saying you can't like both! Why not? "It doesn't matter if you're black or white". 

Years later I'm finally starting to be accepted by the cool kids in year 11. One of the most accepting and genuine nice dudes Alex was nice enough to invite - me the nerd - to his party. We clicked over basketball and Lion King. He was a black belt and 6'2 so he made it cool to be into Disney. 

My best mate from primary school Danny was also there. He was like "we should make a documentary about how this guy's taste in music turned so tragic. A cautionary tale". Ouch...

 

That actually really hurt. I was just starting to be accepted by 'the cool kids'. Now I was getting teased again by one of my music mentors. I was on the outside again. 

I'm still grateful to Alex to this day for inviting me. And to Danny for introducing me to Prince. 

Going to the MJ History concert at 17 when all I was listening to at the time was Grunge and Pac was strange. It was off brand. Like a throwback. 

I wasn't sure what to expect. When he Broke out "Annie are you ok" tears were gushing down both cheeks. That's when I knew. That's when I knew his music would always be part of my life. His Story would be linked with my story. 

I didnt actively listen to Michael for five years after the doco released and confirmed what I knew to the general public. But his music is inescapable and I don't want to celebrate him but can't deny his music is 'another part of me'. My daughter Jasmine is now really getting into him and I worry. But I have no problem that her favourite song has the lyrics "It don't matter if you're black or white'. She is already concious of her colour and it's important to me she goes through less of what I did. 

I related to Kurt Cobain, Eddie Vedder and Billy Corgan. Their poetic lyrics struck a chord in my "Mellon Collie and Infinite Sadness" teen years. 

But 2Pac sang about growing up with a single mum. Biggie talked about how he went from rags to riches. TLC talked about getting hot and heavy. I identified more and still do to this day to the narrative of Hip Hop. 

Hip Hop's story is the minority story. NWA sang "Fuk the police." Police hassled me everywhere I went. Probably because I dressed hip hop. My girlfriend when I was 20 told me that her mum worked for the Marrickville cops but quit because of their heavy levels of racism. The whole unit was sacked a year later for deep levels of corruption. They had shook me down many times growing up. Yea Fuk tha police. I don't hold those views now. But as a young man I identified with it. And was outraged at Rodney King and the injustice it brought to my attention."When something happens in South Central LA.... Nothing Happens... Its just another <brother> dead". I am sad that those lyrics still have meaning in 2020, but I am hopeful with The Black Lives Matter Movement that things are changing. 

I watched 'Boyz N the Hood' and while it wasn't gun violence I could relate. 

I was rolled four times in high school. A lot of people at school made fun of me for that. 

But I think it was a product of where I lived and where I hung out. It did make me want to join a gang. That was one of the only ways I thought I would never get rolled again. Have protection. Do the rolling.

Thank god I didn’t. Most of my mates who did are in Jail now. Or dead. Dude I hanged out every summer holidays playin ball and listening to 2pac with ended up stabbing a dude 50times and is in jail right now. True story.

 

I'm small and have been picked on by bouncers and people wanting to start fights my whole life. Kicked out of pubs for having one drink. I never thought it was coz of my colour but my friends acknowledged it happened too frequently to be a coincidence. Couldn’t possibly be coz of my colour right? It's probably not. Because of my size. My loudness. My high levels of expression and emotion. My high pitched voice. And yea my laugh which attracts attention :)

 

Growing up I never really hung out with Indian crews. I kinda wish I did. Ironically I don't think my identity would have been based on me being Indian as much. My brownness probably wouldn’t have come up as much. Then again when I have hung with Indian crews they jokingly call me 'Latte' coz of my light skin.

 

That's the crazy thing. This entire blog is about how people judge you because of your music. 

But there is one thing people judge you for before music. And that's your colour. Let's be real. It’s the first thing people see.

 

I teach Jaya the word for 'dog'. Then I teach her to say "Brown Dog", "White Dog" "Black Dog".

 

Any denying it would just be lunacy. Any notion that we don't use this heuristic to make decisions also flawed. But we can be aware of it and all its biases. 

So I for one am so grateful society is woke today. 

I'm grateful theres a growing awareness around this stuff and we are PC. 

I'm glad comedians are finding ways to be funny without quick racial stereotypes (though I laughed with everyone else at Eddie Murphy, Dave Chapelle and still do).

 

I love that my daughter loves singing "It don't matter if your black or white". I love that I can write my thoughts and we have freedom of speech.

 

I was proud to not hang with other Indians at school - as this made me cooler in my mind.

How stupid.

How disgusting.

How utterly embarrasaing and shameful.

Irony here is hanging with Asian crews I often got picked on for being sweaty, fat and hairy.

Things I'd like to think i'm pretty much on par with within my own race (but yea I am probably two distributions above the mean in sweatiness even within the Indian sample). 

Ultimate minority within a minority. 

I've spent my entire life trying to be accepted and seeking for people's approval. Now I've accepted I will never be by mainstream society. That I'll always be different. Picked on for that. 

And I am coming to peace with that... 

 

I was embarrassed and ashamed of my culture. My colour. People always were shocked I was Indian. The comments I got the most as a teen were;

 

"You're really good looking for an Indian."

"You can't be Indian you have to be half."

 

So I lied about where I was from as I hit my teens. Saved an akward conversation. My friends latched on and were pissed I'd get girls with my South American, Italian, Filipino or even American-Indian looks. I learned phrases in different languages so I could talk the walk. It was amazing how much more success I'd have with girls when I wasn't Indian. 

Antonio Banderas or Apu?

 

Even five years ago after listening to my hip-hop dominated music for a night a well meaning 45 year old dude said "Vik you're not black'. I snapped back "Am I white?" Why is it acceptable for an Indian bloke to be into American Bruce Springsteen and Nirvana but not American hip hop? Why is that such a jarring and uncomfortable idea for so many Aussies? Something I'm going to continue to ask.

Even today in work circles I've always felt like an outsider because of my taste in music. Now in a job where I am working predominantly with people from less affluent backgrounds. For the first time in my life I feel like I belong. 

 

My identity is as an Indian-Australia, who sees myself as a global citizen is something I've reckoned with into my 30s. Something I'm still accepting and trying to reconcile at 40. I've lived in Japan and speak the language. 

I've worked for the United Nations Refugee Agency. I've read and studied Bennedict Anderson's "Imagined Communities". Learned about how borders aren't real. How nations are just large NGOs. We have these imagined communities. These fictitious lines which are bonded by flags, laws and yes Johnny Farnham. 

I grew anti-nationilstic - but pro-global. Pro Uniting Nations. I've worked in International Development for most of the last 15 years. 

But yea I love Johnny, Jimmy and even Kylie! 

I also LOVE Patty and the boomers who make sure that they only listen to Aussie music on every bus ride which I think is genius! 

One of the saddest things I've seen in International Development is how the Australian Government has influenced the International Aid sector for Geo-Political reasons. Something I feel the sector doesn't talk about enough. 

Anyway. Today. I love Britney. I love Madonna. I love MJ's music (though he is a horrible man who I actively didn’t listen to for 5 years). And these are the 50 songs which havehad the biggest influence on my life until today. 

 

I won’t apologise for my taste in music.

 

I don’t care what you think about it. But I kinda do. 

This post makes me feel very vulnerable but this year I'm slowly learning to be more vulnerable.

 

But I do want to know if there are songs on this list which have influenced you. Which you also identify it.  If we could form some sub-tribes. And I do want to know what are your favourite songs of all time. Because I wanna hang out with your tribe.

 

Music is tribal. It's the way we identified, Socialised. We've even had mating rituals for millenia around dance and music! Anyone wanna go clubbing?

 

This is a very long read so thank you if you are still here.

So what songs in this list do you dig? 

Do you share any of my guilty pleasures?  

And what are the songs that have influenced you the most in your life?

 

I don't care about judging you. I'm always looking for new sources of inspiration. But also to connect to people over music because it can be unifying.